Jokes

Post your favorite jokes that you have heard.

I guess I will start this off.

A duck walks into a hardware store and woddles upto a employee and says "pardon sir do you have any grapes?"

Upon which the employee responds "Sir their is a grocery store across the street where you can get your grapes, this is a hardware store"

The duck waddles off.

Very next day the same duck waddles upto the same employee and asks for grapes again. The employee a tad annoyed this time gives him the same answer. The duck waddles off.

Next day the duck goes to the employee again, this time the employee right away quit upset points to the door and says "If you come back tomorrow I will nail your feet to the ground. "

Yes you are right the duck comes back the next day this time he walks up to the employee who is rewd in the face and smiles looks up at him and asks politely "Do you have any nails?" The employee is taken aback and says "Nope not today"

The duck responds "Good do you have any grapes?"

hahaha an oldie but goodie

Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Here's one told by our national security advisor a couple of months ago at a dinner. Hearing it told is funnier but I think it still holds up in written form:

A Taliban militant gets lost and is wandering around the desert looking for water. He finally arrives at a store run by a Jew and asks for water.

The Jewish vendor tells him he doesn’t have any water but can gladly sell him a tie. The Taliban begins to curse and yell at the Jewish storeowner. The Jew, unmoved, offers the rude militant an idea: "Beyond the hill, there is a restaurant; they can sell you water". The Taliban keeps cursing and finally leaves toward the hill.

An hour later he’s back at the tie store. He walks in and tells the merchant: “Your brother tells me I need a tie to get into the restaurant.”

LOFL @ both of them very funny im still laughing while typing

i love the one about the taliban-hilarious

During a commercial airline flight a Navy Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, 'Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!'

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true Naval fashion exclaimed, 'And all these years, I've been chewing gum.'

Questions that haunt me... or amuse me..........

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?


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Can you cry under water?


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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


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Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?


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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


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What disease did cured ham actually have?


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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? or a Seeing..???


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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


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Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.


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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!


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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


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DID YOU EVER NOTICE THAT WHEN YOU BLOW IN A DOG'S FACE, HE GETS MAD AT YOU, BUT WHEN YOU TAKE HIM FOR A CAR RIDE, HE STICKS HIS HEAD OUT THE WINDOW?

This happened on a flight getting ready to
depart for Detroit .

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy
took the seat beside him. The guy was an
emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking,
moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit , there are
crazy people there. They've got lots of
shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs,
poor public schools, and the highest
crime rate in the nation."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life.
It's not as bad as the media says. Find a
nice home, go to work, mind your own
business, and enroll your kids in a nice private
school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said,
"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death.
But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your
word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer.

The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball.

The bartender says "Your monkey just ate the cue-ball!!! GET OUT NOW!!" so the man picks up the monkey and leaves.

Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash.

The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out then eats it.

The bartender says " Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then eat it?"

The man says "Yeah ever since the cue-ball incident he checks everything for size."